Chasing The Promise Of Happiness

Up before the sun this morning.  Silence and darkness.  There is a delicate breeze making music with the wind chimes.  Distant traffic noise from the freeway floats in the background sounding like ocean waves, and seagulls call out as they make their rounds.  I drink my hot tea.

I am nearly frozen inside as all the change collides.  I am birthing myself again at age 60 and labor is a marathon as usual.  I go through my days on a roller coaster of emotions holding onto my seat.  I am terrified, exhilarated, incredulous, broken-hearted and full of hope.  I take deep breaths and slow down.  I talk to friends.  I have conversations with my spirit selves asking for help all day long.

It is getting light outside.  I can see the great olive tree outside my window and the green grass beside it.  March has started and spring is not far away.

An ambulance goes by with its siren on, crashing into the morning peace.  Life is not manageable. And we learn as we go – making grand mistakes.  I have this notion that I should have life all sewn up into a nice package at this age.  Instead, I am broken and jagged.  I feel old and young at the same time.  I am afraid of death and hopeful about life all in one moment.  I take it as it comes – what other choice do I have?  This is how I learn and whether there is a point to the learning is a question I do not know the answer to.  So I birth myself into a new phase of life and enjoy the process.  I welcome it.  And it welcomes me.

The sun is up now.  Clear light – and the early morning begins a new day.  The birds never think about why – they just greet the dawn with song.  I feel grateful.